I've got my back to the wall,
Keep going back to what started it all,
Living with the fear that something small,
Could once again trigger my fall.
I've lost blood, lost love,
Lost flesh, the wounds are fresh.
The memory is the enemy,
Wrapping itself around me,
Slithering quietly and deceptively,
Too gradually for me to see.
Wounds hurt as if they were made yesterday,
It wasn't my fault, yet I'm the one to pay.
The mild bursts of pain there to remind me
of all the flaws I've gathered in this lifelong sea.
Was born a clean slate, an innocent,
Was molded by hate, anger and providence,
By fate grew up into a lack of confidence,
Negative space, that's all I've got within.
I know it's all just chemicals in my brain,
I'm doing all I can do to refrain
myself from being crippled at their behest,
But it's not enough, it's not my best.
But sadly when I'm the only one,
Who would fight by me, who wouldn't run,
It's easier said than done, to face the tide,
To stop it from washing me aside.
That love I lost, I'm ready to give,
To those who do still want me to live,
But they're so very, very few,
I badly need to love someone new.
And now the memories have finally caught up,
Caught me off guard, when I'm down on my luck,
Pushed me through and off the weak balcony,
Down an abyss, as deep as the eye can't see.
I stop falling, after a short while,
Nothing but darkness to see for a mile,
Floating in empty space, I see a child,
In a trance, I can't help but feel beguiled.
The child has something, too hard to believe,
In this prison of silence, it has the key,
Happiness exudes from its face blissfully,
I'm crippled by pain when I see it's me.
Me, from a time and place unknown,
Too far away to have been my own,
A past that crept away as I died,
Little by little, every day, inside.
In this void now, it's just me and myself,
Torn apart long back by forces from hell,
But now I have a chance to become whole,
To regain the part of me, that this world stole.
Swimming upwards, through the ether,
Need to reach the surface to catch a breather,
Surrounded by perpetual limbo, dark as night,
But I'm not going down without a fight.
Soon I see a sliver of light,
Timely realization of all that's right
in my life, that even through strife,
Some dark spots managed to remain bright.
And once I breach the surface,
That horizon between hope and the hopeless,
Bridging the gap within me and myself,
Filling up the space in my empty shell,
I recognise that I had never lost,
The part of me that paid the cost
Of trying to survive years of torment,
It was always there, just dormant.
There never was any negative space,
Just a piece of my being in a negative place,
Forgotten after being hidden away,
It was the safest place for it to stay.
Or so it would seem that way.
But honestly, at the end of the day,
I can't deny that running away
Wasn't really the smartest play.
So I finally unite with that part of me,
I'm done being split in my dichotomy,
Pushing back the tide with rising strength,
Getting to the place that I was meant.
It was a long journey back to the shore,
From the periphery, right down to the core
and back again, but with a friend,
The one person with whom I don't need to pretend.
All I need to do is protect that child,
To nurture it, to see it smile.
Because without it, there is no me,
I was always complete, I finally see.
Nevermore at the mercy of random forces,
Locked safe in my mental fortress,
I've slowly begun the process,
Of merging into something flawless.
No more inward or outward,
I must now only move forward,
Braving the stormy sea called life,
Not alone this time, but with ALL my might.
The innocence was never gone,
The one I had since I was born,
Dusted it off, it's come back strong,
Not naivety, but clear pictures drawn.
Merging the past and present into one,
Fusing inherent goodness with wisdom won
through those years of experiences high and low,
I'm more me now, than I was ever before.
And now that I've finally found myself
and the happiness that I knew so well,
It will flow like music, naturally, for a while,
As long as I'm dancing with my inner child.